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The Secret Diary of Andrea Vance

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Satire

Dear Diary

I have been assigned the most difficult task of my career as an award-winning senior journalist to date.

To be frank I am not sure that I will be able to pull it off and I told my editor so when called into his office last week. I sat dejectedly in a chair placed precisely two metres away from his desk and hammered home my doubts by asking for a tissue in a sad little girl voice.

I even threw in a dry little cough in the hope that it would bring the meeting to an abrupt end but my manipulations fell on deaf ears. He wants me to write an “objective” opinion piece on Jacinda where I am to highlight all her weaknesses and ignore just how bloody wonderful the woman is! As I said, it is the most difficult assignment of my career to date and I just don’t know how I will face her at the next press conference, knowing that she will be looking at me with sad eyes and her disappointed frowny face.

Nevertheless, I am a professional and if my past career working for News of the World has taught me anything, it is that clever use of language can make people read between the lines. Work references are a case in point. I had a friend who showed me the reference that she had recently been given by her employer after she quit the job under a cloud. She was thrilled by it as it contained nothing but positive comments. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that any employer worth their salt would have taken that reference as a coded warning to not touch my friend with a barge pole. All the qualities needed in her position were NOT included in the reference.

So it is with that objective in mind that I now approach my difficult task…

Dear Diary

I nailed it!

The global praise for Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern’s leadership during the coronavirus pandemic reads like the extravagant quotes transcribed on movie posters.

Jacinda is a Star!

[…] Ardern has displayed flawless leadership

Jacinda’s leadership has been flawless.

The Government’s insistence on extensive restrictions and isolation policies have all but halted the spread of the virus.

Jacinda has saved us all from COVID-19!

Now, more than ever, Ardern is riding a wave of popular support.
In a time where we vacuously glorify wealth and celebrity for fame’s sake, it is welcome to have a role model who is a woman of substance.

Jacinda is popular, a role model and a woman of substance.

[…] her compassionate and inclusive leadership is one of the main reasons Kiwis were prepared to buckle down and comply with strict public health rules.

The public complied with the lockdown because Jacinda is compassionate and inclusive.

But as the country moves into recovery, it’s time to tune out the global hype and tone down the hero-worship.

Jacinda is a hero.

[…]There is no greater example of the dangers of this than the cult of personality that surrounds US President Donald Trump.
He is the embodiment of a culture that has elevated appearance and branding over accomplishment, policy and vision.

Orange man bad.

Key’s most powerful attributes were charm and easy communication style – both qualities he shares with Ardern. […]

Jacinda Ardern is charming and an excellent communicator.

Candidates will always be judged on their likeability. But infusing politics with an over-the-top “stan culture” turns elections to a sports game, where we are invested in only who wins, not policy or ideology.

Jacinda is likeable and a winner.

[…] Just because Ardern is remarkable, does not mean she is always right.

Jacinda is remarkable.

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