After The Washington Post described a mass-murdering religious psychopath, responsible for many thousands of rapes, tortures, burnings-alive, crucifixions, a surge in global terrorism and the attempted genocide of the Yezidis as an “austere religious scholar at the helm of Islamic State” the Twitter comedians have had a field day composing other death notices for use by The Washington Post lefties.
The following, equally anodyne, death notices have been shamelessly stolen from Twitter for your amusement. They keep coming at #WaPoDeathNotices
Adolf Hitler, passionate community planner and dynamic public speaker, dies at 56.
Adolf Hitler, widely read author and motivational speaker, dies at 56
Adolf Hitler, moustache enthusiast, dead at 56
Adolf Hitler, accomplished author, freeway builder, and Chancellor of Germany, dies at 56
Jesus of Nazareth, noted wine maker, dead at 33.
Jesus Christ, a former carpenter of some repute, social media influencer and rambling enthusiast, died today at the age of 33
Emperor Palpatine, austere holder of emergency powers and advocate for democracy, died after a fall
Heinrich Himmler, passionate chicken farmer, dies unexpectedly at 44
Ted Bundy, unconventional pickup artist, dies, shockingly, at 42
Ted Bundy, meticulous researcher, charismatic figure, and Polaroid enthusiast, dead at 42
Ted Bundy, Noted Ladies’ Man and Women’s Rights Activist, Found Dead in Chair
Attila the Hun, world traveller and government administrator, dies at 47
Charles Manson, devout family man and Beach Boys super fan, passes away at 83.
Charles Manson, famous songwriter and meditation leader, dead at 83
Charles Manson, leader of youth empowerment movement and musical superfan, dies at 83
Charles Manson, club leader and motivational speaker, dies at 83.
Joseph Stalin, former seminarian and noted agrarian reformer, dead at 74.
Joseph Stalin, advocate of a strong working class and population control, dies at 74
Joseph Stalin, agrarian reformer, purgative enthusiast and noted for his big personality died aged 74
Jeffrey Dahmer, lover of exotic cuisine, dies at 34.
Jeffrey Dahmer, LGBT activist-pioneer, unconventional romantic, and avant-garde gastronomist passed away at age 34 surrounded by his caretakers
Genghis Khan, accomplished horseman and indefatigable traveller, breathes his last.
Ghengis Khan, renowned horseman and avid Mongolian campaigner, dies at 65.
Mussolini, community service volunteer renowned for getting the trains to run on time, dies at 61
Benito Mussolini – Railway enthusiast and the original latin lover passes away at 61.
Nero, noted musician and emperor who helped Christians bring light to Rome, dies at 30
George Washington, star of famed “cherry tree” fable, dead at 67
Al Capone, Italian-American philanthropist, soup kitchen manager, community leader, importer and supply chain expert, dies at 48
Al Capone, noted gun enthusiast and anti-tax advocate, has passed away.
Alphonse Capone, prominent liquor distributor, boxing promoter and supporter of St. Valentines Day activities, dies prematurely at 48.
John Wilkes Booth, acclaimed actor, entrepreneur and Democrat Party activist, dies at 26
John Wilkes Booth, noted actor and advocate for extreme government layoffs, dead at 26
John Wilkes Booth, social justice warrior and snappy dresser dead at the age of 26
Jeffery Epstein, Financier and renowned feminist, dead at 66.
Jeffrey Epstein, noted Island Hopper, dies tragically at 66.
Jeffrey Epstein, dear friend & successful matchmaker to many prominent public figures, dies at 66.
Judas Iscariot, loving disciple dies shortly after receiving windfall.
Osama Bin Laden, devoted father to ~23 children and religious leader, passes away suddenly at 54
Jim Jones, passionate community organizer and religious leader, dead at 47.
Jim Jones, austere religious scholar and Kool-Aid aficionado, dies at 47
Lee H. Oswald, Ex-Minsk Resident and Veteran Political Activist, Dies at 24
Paul Joseph Goebbels, noted public relations expert and briefly chancellor of Germany, dead at 47
Pol Pot, champion of egalitarianism and defender of agricultural superiority, dies at 72
College Dorm Poster and T-Shirt Icon Che Guevara dies at 39
John Dillinger, self styled Robin Hood, Depression Era Banking Expert and renowned Escape Artist passed away from acute lead poisoning, last evening at 31.
(Insert name), long time Clinton friend and confidant dead of seemingly natural causes (insert age)
Marie Antoinette, motivational speaker and cake enthusiast, dead at 37
Jimmy Saville. British celebrity marathon runner and raiser of millions for children’s charities
The Washington Post, austere guardian of democracy, dies in darkness at 141.
The Washington Post, famed bird cage liner, has died at age 141. Surviving relatives include walnut bedding, limestone gravel, & aspen shavings.
Winner of multiple Pulitzer Prizes, the nation’s 7th largest newspaper, The Washington Post, controversially died in darkness today, at the age of 141
