The BFD | What Are Americans Putting up Their Jacksies?

There are certain traditions we all look forward to with the coming of the Festive Season: the first hot cross buns in stores, lefties whining and complaining about Australia Day, and, of course, What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

For the uninitiated, this annual festive tradition is the brainchild of Defector blogger Barry Petchesky. Every year, Petchesky does the sterling public service of combing through the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits in order to discover what weird stuff Americans have been inserting, “accidentally” or not, into their bodily orifice.

Here’s some of the highlights, sorted, as Petchesky says, by orifice, working south.

Ear

“Was seen for earache but found to be positive for cocaine metabolites.”

“Mistakenly used shoe glue instead of ear drops”

Plastic sword

Which begs the question: was it a very big ear, or a very small sword?

In case you needed to be told this, by the way: home surgery is generally not a good idea.

“Fruit fly was on her headphone which she put in her ear and felt ‘buzzing’, used hydrogen peroxide to kill the fly but with persistent burning/discomfort in ear, unsure if the fly still alive”

Cufflink, “Tried using a knife to cut it out but was unsuccessful.”

All I can say is, thank god it was just his ear.

Nose

“Says he was smelling a magnet and it went up his nostril”

“Put an led light in her right nostril in an attempt to prank her brother but then was unable to get it out”

Fishing lure

Someone’s mate needs to learn to cast better.

“A book or a bug”

Well, which was it? Inquiring minds want to know!

Throat

First off, it looks like someone’s career at the circus has hit a road-bump:

Steak knife

“Patient says he forgot to take foil off foil-wrapped burrito”

3 cigarettes

Now, one durrie we could understand, but three?

And here’s a new one to go on the workplace health and safety videos: don’t eat stuff off the workshop floor.

“Dropped his otterpop onto the floor which was covered in metal shavings from a drill press, and continued to eat the otterpop”

Anyway, now we get to the juicy stuff. Gentlemen, cross your legs and read on.

Penis

Wooden spoon

Are we talking the type Mum used to belt us with, or those big ones that hung on walls in the 1970s?

Inflatable sex toy

If it was one of those blow-up dolls, someone’s got something to brag about, I guess.

So have some others:

Seven-inch silicon tube

Cell phone charger and 14-inch cord

Show-offs.

“Ceiling fan chain in his penis hole, states it has been there since his shower at 9 last night”

Was he hoping to start it up like a lawn-mower?

Now it’s the ladies’ turn to wince.

Vagina

This is the part where we remind you that the doctor’s notes in these cases usually mean, “Hey, get a load of this bullshit story”.

“Was holding a pen near her vagina when the cap dislodged and stuck inside”

Two pencil sharpeners

I’ll never look at a woman in the stationery store in quite the same way.

“Flashlight placed in vagina by patient at home but had no intention of it becoming stuck”

Well, that goes without saying.

Camera lens cap

Uncle Ron’s next slide night sure is going to be interesting.

Unscented soap bar

Perfumed soap bar

At least one of these ladies had the decency to think of the poor ER medics.

And, now… the main event. Drumroll, please.

Rectum

You know those Billy Bass things that were all the rage a few years back? Now we know where at least one of them ended up.

Plastic toy fish

Cube-shaped toy

Was the patient a wombat?

And you know how you’re always losing the 10mm socket? Could be worse.

Ratchet wrench

T-handle wrench

“Sent in by wife for possible 16oz glass bottle in rectum”

It might have been a demijohn, she couldn’t remember.

Remember what I said before about notes meaning “Hey, get a load of this bullshit story” Well, get a load of these. Let’s start with the ol’ reliable, “I was in the shower…”

“Says was in the shower and fell and the shower stopper stuck up rectum”

“Patient states he has a big toy stuck in rectum. Patient states he fell on top of it.”

“Had a few beers and then placed a long wax candle into his rectum, lost balance and fell onto a couch and lost hold of the candle”

“Patient says he was playing with a container of athlete’s foot spray and accidentally it ended up in his rectum”

Then there’s the pegging sessions gone wrong.

“Says girlfriend put vibrator in rectum while he was asleep”

“Patient complaining of rectal pain. Patient admits to inserting sex toys 6 months prior”

He’d been looking for them everywhere.