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One of the peculiarities about my business organisation is the absence of staff turnover: nobody ever leaves except to retire. I pride myself on having never read a CV or other nonsense and having an ability to look people over and decide whether they are suitable or not. My success rate is 100 per cent.
Each year in January I would hold a training session for the new chums. The last was in January 2020 in Sydney Town, but I am conducting another later this month in Auckland. It will involve a few days of inducting various trainees into all aspects of our organisation and introducing them to everybody. The apotheosis will be an examination: those who pass will be offered a full-time position; those who fail will be wished all the best in future endeavours.
There are two important components to my success. The first is selecting the right people. This involves excluding applications from people who don’t meet certain criteria – a cringe-worthy experience in these days of egalitarianism but by golly confining things to chaps who are ‘one of us’ pays huge dividends.
So once some are excluded – those who attended a state school, are atheists, have appalling vocal fry accents, can’t name a good tailor, don’t have a favourite composer (because they don’t know any), play video games, use the wrong words, have a university degree and are woke – what we are left with is a collection of marvellous folk: fellows other fellows can trust. People one can work with and mould into moneymaking machines for mutual benefit.
I freely admit it is very elitist and our company ‘culture’ is to proclaim ourselves “Rulers of the Universe” – but in a good way.
In 2020 for instance, we had an intake of people from various walks of life and cultural diversity: a Filipino, a Samoan, a couple of Maori, a couple of Aussies who’d just graduated from Scotch College, a kid from Tauranga, a couple of older fellows seeking a career change… all have worked out well in the intervening period.
And, it is here I reveal the other important component to you: why I’ve done well, why nobody ever leaves my employ and why lots of ‘received wisdom’ is a crock of doo-doo compared with the following. It’s as if I am handing you the key to a vast warehouse full of gold bars. Some of you will nod your head, while others will miss the point entirely. The training sessions cover a lot of ground in three days before the final examination. On the morning of the exam everybody is looks exhausted, as if they’ve been up all night studying. I hand out the exam papers. Remember, those who pass are offered a place; those who fail are not. The exam consists of a single question: “What is the name of the cleaning lady who keeps the office spic and span?”
