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A survey conducted amongst all serving MPs has shown over half of them are missing out on secret affairs, a bit on the side and general hanky-panky. In a special 11am news conference, the Prime Minister and the Speaker Trevor Mallard lamented the disparity within parliament and said they would remedy the situation.
A concerned Jacinda Ardern said, “while it is clearly understood that I absolutely know nothing about anything and while a report was done last year, once I was told about it, yesterday, I decided to take immediate action. So today I announce the creation of a team of highly trained ‘companions’ – women, men and others which will be assembled and controlled by the Speaker to take care of the needs of MPs. A progressive and equitable response to a problem which has continually plagued governments.”
She went on to say “It will be dirty work but someone has to do it so they will be well paid. It will come out of the Speaker’s budget. In line with this government’s intentions, it will be jobs, jobs, jobs. It is hoped this aspirational initiative will take the pressure off parliamentary staff and allow them to clear the huge backload of work which has built up due to being otherwise occupied”.
Trevor Mallard said, “It has been obvious that some Cabinet Ministers have been absolute gluttons, causing unpleasantness, envy, and distress, so I, along with myself, Helen Clark and Michelle Boag have formed an elite BDSM troupe. We will institute a strict regime of behaviour modification. You all know who you are”.
He also said, “For those MPs behaving themselves, everything will be catered for. Broom cupboards for quick assignations will be built on each floor, an idle luxury hotel has been contracted long term and the grand banquet room will be repurposed as a Friday-from-5.00 orgy lounge.”
Interestingly, according to the media handout, an 0800 number will be available for those who feel the need to text pornographic images while drunk. It will be staffed 24/7 by a clinical psychologist.
Journalists who previously have been doing sterling work free of charge, can now register and make extra income which no doubt will be appreciated in these straitened times.
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