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Attack of the Mutant Space Sex Monkeys!

To boldly come where no man has come before. The BFD. Photoshop by Lushington Brady.

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Humans are, let’s face, a species of outrageously horny monkeys. We no sooner get our hands on something than we’re trying to figure out how to insert it into ourselves, or vice-versa. Or some way to use it to get off.

Within years of Gutenberg’s printing press, the invention was churning out pornographic lithographs. Within a year of the Lumieres patenting their cinematographe, Bedtime for the Bride, the world’s first-known porn movie, was out. Pornography famously drove some of the biggest innovations of the internet, such as image sharing and online payments. The proliferation of long-haul air travel created the Mile-High Club.

And when space tourism becomes a reality? Oh, you better believe we’ll be lining up for zero-g bonking.

But having researched the issue, my colleagues and I believe that space tourism companies haven’t adequately prepared for the consequences of people joining what we could call the “Karman line club” (referencing the 100 kilometer-high boundary between Earth and the rest of the cosmos).

Although space tourism may seem a science fiction dream, well so did instantaneous, free video calls until just a decade or so ago. Space tourism is not a matter of if, but when. Even for us shmos: just consider how soon international flight went from the preserve of the super-rich to Ryanair.

And PornHub is already fundraising to shoot, no pun intended, the world’s first space porno.

Considering that space travel is no longer reserved for professional astronauts, the various motivations of space tourists and upcoming spacecraft developments, we concluded that in-space sex will probably happen within the next ten years.

The real concern is not the sexual interactions themselves, but rather if they lead to human conception in space.

Is it, though? I suspect the real concern will be for the poor shmucks who have to dodge flying globules of human fluids.

Passengers will not be allowed to board if they are already known to be pregnant, although the space tourism industry does not appear to have considered concealed or unknown pregnancies. Sometimes women don’t realize they are pregnant until they go into labor.

From decades of human spaceflight, we already know weightlessness and increased levels of ionizing radiation has a profound effect on our bodies. We don’t know how this will affect the physiological processes of reproduction.

Astronauts routinely suffer muscle and bone wastage as their bodies no longer have to resist the forces of gravity. On Earth, gravity influences the distribution of body fluids, such as blood. A lack of gravity can result in increased pressure inside the skull which can make people’s vision blurry and even change the brain’s structure.

Still, like space tourism, space sex is not a matter of if, but when. And, as we see, scientists are already heaving a weary sigh as they contemplate the ramifications (beyond who’ll have to mop up the capsules).

Limited experiments on mouse embryos, which include one that used a mini incubator on a satellite, have shown changes in embryo viability after they were exposed to space. Knowledge of the impact on human reproduction is effectively zero, but we can assume that there will be effects […]

Space tourism is already happening and it seems likely that sexual interactions between some participants will occur very soon.

But if some space scientists are already thinking ahead to when we sex monkeys get busy in orbit, some are remaining almost laughably unaware. NASA recently floated the idea of all-female crews on long-haul Mars missions, to preclude the chances of sexual activity between crew members.

Who wants to be the one to tell them what happens when a lady and a lady love each other very much?

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