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Satire
Yesterday, our assistant cub reporter retrieved a flash drive from a skip overflowing with filled disposable nappies. The skip had been parked outside Premier House for months.
The Woke Examiner is now in possession of a trove of emails – allegedly hacked – thought to belong to an international super-star-investigative-journalist.
The flash drive was obtained after a cryptic message headed ‘Unpaid invoice revenge’ and a map of the pick-up site was slipped under our office door.
Someone going under the name of Hakari gloatingly claimed responsibility for the hack.
Hakari (Icelandic for rotten shark delicacy or Maori for large feast after funeral – take your pick) claimed this invasion of a journalist’s privacy needed exposure and was in the public interest.
Rather than quote word for word from the emails, we have decided to give a summary only.
Amongst about a year’s correspondence between someone sporting the email address theduck@quackquack.com and a purported journalist with the address theskull@skeletonclosets.com we discovered the following.
Apart from continual moaning about their mutual runny bottom problems, most of the emails concerned a book the journalist was contracted to write titled ‘Filthy Dirty Politics and My Hand in it’.
As the year wore on, ominous demands were made by ‘the duck’ to ‘sex-up’ the investigation as the initial drafts of the book were too bland.
The book, authored by ‘the skull’ was to ‘prove’ corruption between the Chinese CCP and the National Party – in particular, the National Party leader – with the book exposing all to be dropped in the final stages of Election 2020. Apparently, the media were all geed-up and waiting to pounce.
‘The Duck’ was sure that it would ensure Jacinda’s success.
But ‘the skull’ was having a virtual car crash. First, there was COVID-19 which made getting the book printed very difficult.
Then Bridges, the leader at that time was not only cleared by the Serious Fraud Office but was also replaced as the leader. Also ‘the duck’ now thought the book was unnecessary due to the success of Ardern’s lockdown.
Leaders changed again – so due to this unfortunate series of events ‘the skull’ regretfully had the million or so books already printed pulped.
Ignoring wise counsel he pushed ahead rewriting it – sexing up the imagined turpitude supposedly rife under the new leadership of the National Party.
He had put off printing, wanting to use a newly discovered photo taken in China of an NZ Party leader – a white woman in a compromising position with a CCP senior official.
As it was dangerously late for publishing, the photo was sent from his Chinese sources, straight to the printing works for inclusion in the book.
Disaster – when an advance copy of the new book arrived the photo was not the assumed one of Judith Collins but of Jacinda Ardern revealing her secret, arranged, marriage which took place in April 2019 when she visited Xi Jimping.
So urgent messages were sent to again pulp the newly printed books along with plenty of effing and blinding from ‘the duck’.
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