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Dear Santa
Politicians’ letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
After my return to parliament, the coalition agreement and the fun I’m having with journalists you’d think all my Christmases had come at once. But there is one more little thing I’d like. Sometime during my time as deputy prime minister could the Prime Minister be caught in a sex scandal involving the entire youth group of his church and a nude jelly wrestling competition? This will pave the way for the fulfilment of my ultimate ambition – unbridled power as the first populist New Zealand Prime Minister.
Thanks.
Winston Peters
P. S And if it’s not too much trouble could Fools Gold, Mr Sphinx and Mum’s Geraniums get the Trifecta at Trentham on Saturday?
Dear Santa,
You are a racist symbol of settler oppression. However, I never miss an opportunity to get something out of a Pakeha, so could I please have $20 million in reparations for colonial trauma deposited into Swiss bank account number 23-6678-83445 under the name ‘Arthur Ramsbottom’? I’ll make sure it is distributed fairly around my tangata whenua brothers. Honest.
Could you also arrange for David Seymour to get horribly drunk on K-road and wake up with a full facial moko, a pounamu nose stud and paua shell earrings?
Meri Kirimete
Rawiri Waititi
Dear Santa,
The very idea of a fat socialist giving away stuff for free offends my neo-liberal principles. Who pays for all this gift-giving, eh? I wouldn’t be surprised if it was struggling North Pole taxpayers forced to pay reindeer licence fees and igloo levies to a wasteful Santa-controlled state.
Sod off. Try climbing down my chimney and you’ll face my AT4 CS anti-tank rocket launcher that somehow escaped the gun registry.
David Seymour
Dear Santa,
I hate to ask a man for anything. Especially an old white man. Double especially, a cis old white man. But if you can arrange for peace in the Middle East that would be really neat. By peace I mean the removal of every last Jew to somewhere else. Maybe you have room up in the North Pole? I’ll let you work out the specifics…I’m not very good at that. Oh and also could you convince the Palestinians to change the design of the Keffiyeh head scarf? The white and black clashes with my tie-dye tote bag.
Thanks,
Chloe Swarbrick
Dear Santa,
I wish to ask for something but not for me, for my country. Can the following three years be ones of economic collapse, mass unemployment and civil unrest? That’s the only way my country will be saved…by having me voted back in as P.M.
Chris Hipkins
Dear Santa,
I wish to ask for something but not for me, for my country. Can the following three years be ones of economic boom, full employment and civil harmony? That’s the only way my country will prosper…by having me voted back in as P.M.
Oh and could you arrange for Winston to be involved in a horse doping scandal at Trentham this Saturday?
I don’t trust the guy. It’s little things like him accidentally sitting in my chair at cabinet meetings or asking me if there are ensuite bathrooms in Government House. It’s chipping away at my confidence.
Christopher Luxon (THE PRIME MINISTER)
Dear Santa,
Could you get Zambrero’s to bring back their two-for-one taco night Tuesdays?
Gracias,
Ricardo Menendez March
Dear Santa,
Can you get the lady Greens to knock off the woke shit? Well, not all the woke shit…environmental hysteria is just fine. But all the white patriarchal stuff…I mean I’m standing right here guys! And all the bleating about Palestine! If it weren’t for the goddamn Arabs and their oil we wouldn’t be having this climate crisis. Why can’t the sheikhs use some of their petrochemical fortunes to buy the Palestinians a couple of Caribbean islands or something?
Sorry I’m getting a bit emotional Santa, but I’m here in the Green rec room drinking Ricardo’s tequila and I’m all alone. The other Greens are out protesting…Israel or transphobia or…something.
God damned Kermit was right. It’s not easy being Green.
James Shaw
Dear Santa,
Now that I’ve cleared the way for gas and oil exploration, could I have a nice big discovery of coal, say, just north of Kaitaia? Not oil, please, coal. I have ten or so nephs I need off the couch. Not to mention a dozen brothers-in-law and twenty cuzzies. I’d like to lose all of them down a big hole in the earth.
Cheers,
Shane Jones
Dear Santa,
My Christmas wish is that all the world’s people learn to be kind and live in harmony with UN-mandated rainbow skies and marshmallow unicorns.
Except for my misogynist critics who deserve to die in fiery automobile crashes.
Love and peace
Jacinda Ardern
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