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Lindsay Mitchell
lindsaymitchell.blogspot.com
Peter Williams on Magic Talk picked up on my report and read it. Invited onto his programme at 9.30 Wednesday morning, I listened from the top of the hour wondering what there would be left for me to say! He quoted from it extensively and I am eternally grateful to him. The calls started immediately and never let up through to noon.
Many people had a story and they didn’t whitewash it. The family complexity outlined in the report was mirrored in the myriad of circumstances related. The caller just before me “personified the research findings” (as I pointed out) having traveled through step relationships from childhood to parenthood. Now on his own second go at parenthood, but with animosities with the ex (and ex’s new useless partner) ongoing and various children suffering from these.
From being children of failed relationships to being being parents in failed relationships; the inter-generational link was very evident.
A single parent who had consciously decided to not repartner due to the difficulties she foresaw.
A grandparent raising grandchildren due to her own child’s two failed relationships.
A Maori kuia explaining whananga, trying to teach the young people (“we don’t have a word ‘step'”) while giving unconditional love regardless of their mistakes.
A brief debate between callers about degenerating morality which gave pause for thought. Procreative morality has certainly slipped in respect of some fathers feeling no sense of responsibility for their offspring, especially on the back of Labour welfare reforms whereby mothers on a benefit no longer have to name them. Whereas other moral spheres have probably improved eg intolerance to domestic violence.
A wicked stepmother story featuring an ageing high profile father remarrying a much younger woman who was determinedly keeping the father away from his sons and grandchildren, and succeeding for years.
A stepfather who had taken on two children who was being sued by the biological father because the stepfather wasn’t giving him access – surprisingly, quite justifiably. Just so many convoluted scenarios.
But a general sense emerged that greater commitment to their relationship was needed between couples. For their children’s sake if not for their own. One woman said, “Fight it out, talk it out or cry it out.” But make the relationship bigger and more important than the problem at hand.
Another said occasionally she loathed the sight of her husband but she understood that happiness comes in waves. It isn’t there constantly. He held on to her when she was about to let go and vice versa.
My own oral contribution wasn’t the catalyst. I’m a better writer than verbal communicator.
But it was massively rewarding just to get people talking publicly, sharing their experiences and most importantly, what they learned from them.
Someone will have connected with someone this morning and maybe somewhere a penny dropped.
