Information
Satire
As part of the headlong rush by media to accommodate Maori in their publications/outlets The Woke Examiner has decided to join in the melee and publish a set of News Briefs.
Recently, I revealed that my assistant cub reporter had decided to self identify as a woman.
She is now also identifying as a Maori after finding out that a great, great-uncle had married a Maori ‘princess’ and due to the busy fecundity of their descendants, she was related to half of Northland.
Overlooking her annoying habit of calling me ‘yous pakehas’ instead of ‘Mr Editor Sir’ things are pretty much normal. Well, apart from her saying ‘Treaty Principles’ when I asked her to nip out and grab a couple of pies for our lunch – she also ate half of mine citing articles one and three.
Minor issues aside, using her immense network of cuzzies we are able to bring you two important exclusive Te Maori News Briefs .
A Treaty claim for ownership of all Aotearoa’s carbon credits will be lodged early next year.
An iwi ‘Treaty Expert’ who is leading the claim explained that carbon sequestration was part of their mauri (life force or essence) and part of their mana over the land.
At this very moment councils everywhere are writing the recognition of mana into their District Plans, so the whole claim should be rubber stamped very quickly.
Maori will also be demanding compensation from forest owners who were claiming carbon credits. Pakehas have been picking Maori pockets for centuries.
A Green Party source says they are devastated by the news. Their billionaire European backers are extremely angry that their heavy investment in forestry is now valueless. Apparently James Shaw will be getting the boot over his latest Green Party fiasco.
Fletcher’s new development at Taupaki.
Plans are underway to occupy the land of a proposed development by Fletchers.
It is a huge tract of West Auckland farmland more than half the size of Hobsonville Point which could be transformed into the city’s next “urban village”.
A spokesperson for the occupying group said as Fletchers and the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, had been so accommodating over the Ihumatao ‘brohaha’ they see it as an ongoing win-win all round.
The expectation is that Jacinda will again buy the land and return it to Maori after a series of conversations, hui, koha, consultants and general media click-bait beat-ups.
The spokesperson, who claims to have a doctorate in occupying, said they won’t be moving in until mid-February as they needed a holiday after all the hard mahi (work) at Ihumatao.
Dr Puku said they were looking forward to a long and financially rewarding three-way partnership with Fletcher’s developments and Jacinda in the future.
Please share the Woke Examiner so others can discover The BFD.
