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Broadcasting from her Facebook bunker, the Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern, announced today that as a protective measure due to the recent lockdown, tinfoil hats are to be compulsory. A tinfoil hat manufacturing complex has been set up.
A grave and concerned Jacinda said, “Fellow covid hysterions, the other party have been putting out policies and criticisms that have not been approved by me – the only source of truth.”
“Also”, she said, “my team of conspiracy theory experts has informed me that a covert malignant group is beaming out unapproved fear and panic via a top-secret satellite owned by Donald Trump.
Grimly she explained, “The whole population of Aotearoa needs to be shielded from this negative information and bad vibes which is radiating from above. Tinfoil hats will give you, my vulnerable 5 million, the protection you need.”
“Of course”, she said, “when face to face with Jacinda critics, putting your fingers in your ears and shouting ‘la, la, la’ works great, and screaming racist, sexist or bully is also effective”.
BREAKING NEWS: A secret memo leaked to The Woke Examiner, addressed to 5 news outlets under the title of ‘Team of 5 Minions’ – RNZ, TVNZ, Stuff, The NZ Herald and NewsHub, is published here in full.
“Attention people, due to the new lockdowns I once again call on you, my trusty team of 5 minions to ensure that I, the only source of truth, Jacinda, is the sole politician given unquestioned airtime.
A fortnight’s carefully crafted news bulletins will be arriving shortly for you to broadcast and publish. Cartoonists will be issued with thumbnail sketches to be rendered up into pre-approved cartoons for the coming weeks. It is important that all presenters and reporters wear their tinfoil hats when in front of the camera.
As before, only Jacinda approved experts can be consulted for comments. A full list of trusted experts an be found at www.expertsagreeingwithjacinda.org
A vetted list of our own conspiracy theories you all can spread will soon be issued and updated on a daily basis.
Remember, they ain’t woke till they’re broke, so keep up the good work of assisting me to fundamentally change Aotearoa.
Kia Kaha, be kind and wear your tinfoil hat.”
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