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The Prime Minister, Jacinda put the nation on notice, saying moves are afoot to have the whole nation microchipped by the end of the year. It will neatly kill two birds with one stone by solving the problem of contact tracing and keeping an eye on people in quarantine or generally.
Speaking from Wellington, the Prime Minister said, “By now everybody knows where I stand – which is at my podium, behind a microphone, delivering good news only and leaving the bad yucky stuff to those more qualified.”
“The microchips,” she said, “will be implanted in the wrist making it easy for everyone to contact trace by just waving their arm over a scanner placed strategically at all entrances. Turnstiles activated by the scanner will need to be installed to bar entry to those who are not chipped. Veterinary clinics will be purposed with doing the rollout due to their experience in such matters.”
“A large team of experts are working on expanding the scanning range to 1000 metres. This will enable me to check that people are practising social distancing – I will know exactly where everyone is at any time. Keeping the dog on the porch so to speak. Instant fines of $300.00 will be deducted from people’s bank accounts for each infringement.”
“Development Minister Phil Twyford’s idea of having a red tick tattooed on the chipped citizen’s forehead to enable easy identification by the police has been postponed until the uptake of chipping has been assessed. People can, however, have it done on a voluntary basis.”
“All this has become necessary,” she said, “because you, my team of 5 million let me down and caused another outbreak. To use an analogy from my golfing buddy and social media mentor Donald Trump – you choked on the eighteenth hole and carded a triple bogey.”
“I was ahead of the pack, world leader, a world’s first and number one. This incompetence on your part resulted in me being named a miserable second in the world as one of the great thinkers of our time.”
“If everyone heeds my new catchy slogan, “Be kind and get your microchip”, I will once again be number one in “everythink” and knock any upstart nonentity off my rightful position on the victory podium. So, do as I say, obey orders, or mummy will once again lock you down in the naughty corner”.
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