Meaningful News From the Herald

Sir Bob Jones
nopunchespulled.com

God help us; the bloody Herald has done it again and provided a lengthy “update” on Millie Elder Holmes’s “progress” in her 14 days hotel room quarantine.

So, what has Millie done? Found a cure for cancer? Nope. Written a novel, learnt to speak Bulgarian, composed a symphony, taught herself to play the banjo – no, no, no, none of those.

Millie, it transpires, has made her bed. Aside from that she wants to state how amazing the airport and hotel staff have been. That will be a huge relief across the nation for the tens of thousands of citizens having endured sleepless nights through the absence of a Herald update.

Soon she will be released. Will the Herald organise a tickertape parade down Queen Street? I see no reason why not. Alternatively, they could fund a nationwide tour. Millie could be driven through every town and city waving to the excited inhabitants, doubtless assembled in their tens of thousands.

In seventy years time, people will be able to boast to their grandchildren; “I was there. I saw Millie Elder-Holmes.”  In these dark days that would be a wonderful public service bringing great joy to an anxious nation.

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