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Satire.
Your intrepid eyewitness, once again using the latest fly on the wall technology, is able to report that he was able to observe and listen to a recent meeting (apparently a regular event) between New Venezuela’s glorious, truthful, kind, general distributor of wellbeing, Prime Minister Justinda Micron Ardeau and her colleague and confidant, none other than the financial mastermind, Grunt Robbingson.
Justinda: Good ahhh umm morning Grunt, it’s ahhh, umm and let me be perfectly clear about this, bordering on ummm errrr, good to see you this morning. [Editor: In deference to the word limit, all further umms, ahhs and errrs have been edited out of this transcript]. I’ve been thinking, Grunt. We’ve had, and again, I want to be very clear about this, a few little hiccups of late, as you know. We need a strategy to take the voters’ minds off these trivial things, that seem, for some silly reason, to concern them.
Grunt: Yes, we do. I’m a bit worried that the media might start asking me more questions about the sexual assaults in your office. I don’t think they will, as they’re pretty much onside with us, but there’s always a nagging concern that one of them might just break ranks and actually do their job. But, tell me Justinda, I couldn’t help noticing almost immediately, that you’re wearing your hair in pigtails. It makes you look rather schoolgirlish.
Justinda: Heh heh, well spotted Grunt. That’s one of my new strategies. Just think of the photo opportunidies of the new schoolgirl look, especially when I’m photographed with Neve. Would it be going too far do you think, to start calling myself Gretinda?
Grunt: Perhaps a little too far. But if I may make a suggestion…
Justinda: As I said before, I value your opinion Mike… ohhh sorry, I mean Grunt.
Grunt: Well, I think you need to have the pigtails more visible. You need to have one of them hanging in front of your shoulder. Sometimes both, but at least one. This will accentuate your youthful and girlish innocence. It works for Greta doesn’t it?
Justinda: Yes it does, I think you’re right, it would be best practice to have one in front. I believe that pigtailed schoolgirls worked well for Stalin, Goebbels and Mao, and they knew something about manipulading the masses. As usual you are fulsome in your knowledge, Grunt. By the way, how do you like my newest word? Fulsome.
Grunt: Very impressive Jacinda. Did you get that from Greta?
Justinda: No, I think I invented it. But again, Grunt, what can we do that will really take the public’s attention away from our little lapses in perfection. I’ve tried tossing Justin Lester under the bus, but that didn’t seem to work too well. Perhaps I should try saying ‘How dare you’ and see how that works. And I’ve been practicing stamping my foot as I say it. I think I’ll try it in question time next time I feel like attending. See, I’ll show you. “How Dare You!” (Stamps foot simultaneously).
Grunt: Yes, it’s good, but don’t you think that the foot-stamping is a little horse-like? No, on second thoughts it actually suits you. Yes I’d do that quite often Justinda. The petulant child act seems to be going down very well and Greta needs some competition.
Justinda: Yes, I’m really pleased that she didn’t win the Nobel prize, but just to be very clear, Grunt, I’m very disappoinded that I didn’t win it. I’m not being judgy but, after all, I’ve done so much good stuff, had thousands of conversations, put processes in place all over the place, started hundreds of working groups, been to the UN twice, talked to thousands of school children, wiped out Taranaki’s economy; the list is endless Grunt. They gave it to some obscure peacemaker! (Shouting) Why didn’t I get it? How Dare They Overlook Me! (Stamps foot loudly).
Grunt: There, there, Justinda, don’t cry. Look on the bright side. You’ve got a whole year to signal virtuously to the Nobel Committee, and if we… rather you, can destroy say, the agriculture industry, in the next year, you should be a shoo-in next time.
Justinda: Maybe, but to bring claridy and fulsomeness Grunt, sometimes I feel this country just doesn’t deserve me.
Grunt: Well, you know you have impressed a few important people, particularly in the UN.
Justinda: Yes, that’s true. Uncle George in New York I know for a fact is very happy with me. I heard that he sees me as the Southern Humis… Himus… bottom half of the world’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and a white Omar. Of course Alexandria’s intelligence is preddy hard to match and I couldn’t marry a brother. To bring absolude claridy, Grunt, I see myself as somethink special. The way I almost got away with having you-know-who in my office, and the way the media just gave up talking about it while I was at the UN, was pretty fulsome, I think. In fact, I’m preddy sure we have got away with it.
Grunt: Well, I’m still sweating a bit on that, to be honest. We’d definitely have been sunk with a decent opposition and without Trev’s protection in the house. But as I said, I think the media are earning their keep, as it were.
Justinda: Of course my wearing the hijab was a masterstroke. I’m wondering about wearing one again with my pigtails to see how that goes. I think it would be one in the eye for Greta, because, as I’m preddy sure I said before, she’s never done that yet. Just need another excuse to wear one again. Is it too soon to……
Unfortunately, at this point, the fly on the wall’s batteries went flat and your intrepid and courageous eyewitness was forced to retreat home, as always, deep in thought while trying to avoid being amBushed by Justinda’s Kindness and Wellbeing (now well-armed) police.
